(no subject)

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

Who: Lyvus and visitors
Where: Just outside the dorms
When: Day 189, night
What: Downtime and getting chloroformed apparently

[Night is sitting outside of Corvus, making more needles out of bone. He's improved at bone carving, and is working on a fair variety -- mostly small and straight, but a few curved and one or two longer. Just chillin'.]

Comments

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

I don't remember how I learned it or why. But yes.

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

And then eventually...

I'm sorry. All the same, thank-you for telling me. There's a lot of things people will remember... and not all of them easy to regain or speak of. How much time do you think you have?

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

[nods to the eventually and... doesn't fill it out.]

I don't... have an easy time, talking about things. This one isn't so bad. This one's... a little obvious, anyway.

Jace said the bracers are slowing it, and I might have a year or more. So... I just have to keep playing and aiming for my wish.

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

I see. I wonder if it's possible to ask a Judge what could be done... though, no, that's probably not the safest option. Is your wish to be well again?

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

[shakes his head]

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

[tilts his own]

...?

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

It's something else.

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

[he looks very curious]

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

[...after a long moment, leans forward, hands resting on his knees, and looks Taiki in the eyes]

I don't think you'll approve. Nobody has.

I want not to exist.

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

But... you said you remember dying...?

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

That's not the same as 'not existing'.

...It was my wish in my memories. I understand it, so...

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

[silent as he takes that in]


...

Why should anyone approve?

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

[spreads his hands, then lets them fall to his legs again]

Maybe I'm misremembering.

[doesn't sound like he thinks so, though]

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

Even if your feelings on it change when you remember more, is it what you really want? Why? What would this wish do?

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

[shakes his head] ...does it matter why, if it's what I want? When that time comes, if I want it, can't I have it?

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

I don't know, but your wish is your own. I'm just trying to understand. Is it because you feel guilty...?

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

Everything I remember and everything I've done here, both... I hurt people. I kill people. I have reasons, but I carry on. I can't stop. I bring trouble to people. They'd be better off if I didn't exist. Even in the end, in that memory, someone who really ... loved me... despite everything was at my side, and my dying... he was going to be too sad. Too sad to live. It'd be better if I'd never existed.

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

I-I...

[a steadying breath]

And you were certain that, without you, things may have been better. While we're not the same, it sounds... familiar.

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

[nods]

Yes.

[unicursed.insanejournal.com]

I know it's not a thought that's made lightly.

[crossboundaries.insanejournal.com]

[headshake]

...It's a long time until I get a wish, though. First things first.